


the suffering of fools

by itsfourinthemorning



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Depression, Eating Disorders, Fluff, Happy Ending, M/M, Minor Original Character(s), Winter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-06
Updated: 2016-02-05
Packaged: 2018-05-18 09:42:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5923711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsfourinthemorning/pseuds/itsfourinthemorning
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>it’s never too late for a new beginning.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue: an entry in harry's diary.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [cryptidserpent](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cryptidserpent/gifts).



> Original prompt: Louis is an Adidas model with lean muscle and curves in all the right places and Harry is a tragically beautiful YSL model with sharp bones and a too-wide gap between his thighs. They meet at a fashion convention and Harry shivers so violently that Louis makes it his mission right there to protect this fragile boy from the cold that is London in January.  
>   
> I changed it a little bit but I hope you like it. Title from Shot at the night by The Killers  
> for: louandhazfightmydemo

There are nights like tonight where I realize that every light that illuminates the room through the window comes from at least one person trying to get to their destiny, I wonder what are they feeling right now, I wonder how many of them feel like there’s no point of living in this world.  
My mum said "You can achieve whatever you put your mind to" and that was the last thing she said to me before disappearing in the morning, I understand her now, the necessity of new air. It made me follow Luke when he said we should get away from that little town and get to London, he abandoned me too with time, "You’re not what I need" he said.

  
What would my mum think if she knew I always take the easier choice, I followed Luke because I was tired of helping dad with the store, I let Luke leave because I didn’t wanted to fight, I started modelling because they offered me money and to be honest I wouldn’t have cared if it wouldn’t have been real modelling at all, I left Zayn because it is easier to skip meals than trying to survive, I broke up with Louis because I couldn’t let him in.   
There’s a party tonight, one of the big ones. I crave some bitter drinks and to dance near Zayn’s body, he has been warm lately and London feels like a freezer lately. There’s a bottle of sleeping pills waiting for me in my bedside table, the perfect after-party.

  
I wouldn’t do things differently if I had the chance, I wouldn’t risk the chance of meeting the people I met. I wish someone would have stayed a little longer, maybe it’s selfish to think that if someone would have stick around a bit more I would have listened to them, if they would have try just a bit more I wouldn’t be saying goodbye.   
I think it’s fine to need someone, we all need some purpose and I have lost it all. You can achieve whatever you put your mind to I’m doing it mum


	2. the suffering of fools

It’s been a few years since the name Harry Styles rings a bell to anyone who cares a little bit about fashion, not that he cares, he still believes he doesn’t deserve a place in the runway. “Yves Saint Lauren made a mistake” he thinks every night before he goes to sleep, ready to get fired in the morning when his agency realizes what a waste of time he is.  

Right now the music is up so loud he can’t hear a word Zayn is saying, with some help of the tingling lights he can definitely see his mouth is moving, he might have seen his concerned look because he gets his mouth near his ear to say “do we really need to be here?” and there it is, the true soul of his best friend and flatmate, he might seem like a party boy to anyone who has read the tabloids but those who really know him know he would rather stay at his room for ever than have to socialize with other people in the real world. 

“Mary-Anne said we should be here at least an hour, we can leave in fifteen minutes.” they haven’t been out in a long time and London’s Fashion Week was an important event so she kind of drag them to this party, an industry-only one, these were the important ones if you were new at this, you could meet people and start making a name, not that Harry and Zayn needed that, they were here trying to make friends a long time ago, they get to sit at the VIP area now, that makes it hard for people to talk to them, Mary-Anne knew they loved that. 

“We’re not going anywhere any time soon”, before Harry could lean on Zayn to ask why he felt a rough grip at his waist and hot breath near his ear, “Hi Babe” and Harry would knew that voice anywhere but he turned to see just in case he was dream, Louis Tomlinson was a dream himself, 5’9”, messy hair, beautiful blue eyes and all the muscle in the right places, “Can we talk? Go somewhere private perhaps?” and that’s how Harry made a quick sign at Zayn that could be roughly translated to I’ll be back and followed Louis lead to a private room. 

 

Harry haven’t said a word to Louis, who was leaning against the wall, he could be waiting for Harry to say something or perhaps he was getting the courage to talk again you see, it’s easy to be confident and outgoing when there’s loud music, dim lights and no one cares about you but here, where the music was hardly heard and your eyes had already get used to constant light it wasn’t easy to not care. 

“I miss you” Louis was the first to talk, he always was, he had a thing where he felt helpless when thing were out of his control, “You should probably be the one apologizing, but here I am, aren’t I? Always will, and I miss you Harry, I want you back” 

 

Harry should definitely be the one apologizing. 

 

‡‡‡‡ 

 

_"What are we doing here" said Louis a bit startled, "we never go out to places where we can eat"_  

_"I thought it will be nice to have coffee" Harry was a bit nervous but his thoughts were, as he thought, in order._  

_"I hate coffee Harry, just tell me why we're here" was Louis angry? Harry couldn't tell but apparently he read him better than he thought..._  

_"Why? Tell me Harry, why should we break up?" Louis was in fact, angry._  

_"I think we should break up" there it was, easy._  

_"I think I, I think I'm not..."_  

_"You think you're not what, enough for me? Me, Louis Tomlinson, am I too much for you? You don't deserve me? Bullshit. I don't deserve this because I know my worth, I've done nothing but be myself with you, and don't even think I've ever lied to you when I said I need you, not when I said I want you, not when I say I love you."_  

_Silence surrounded them for what it felt like eternity but it probably lasted less than a minute._  

_"Yes, Harry, I love you, and no, I wasn't planning on saying it today, I wasn't waiting for you to say it back and for the look on your face you don't believe it._ _Its_ _ok Harry, you know what? You are right, we need to break up. Thanks for the coffee."_  

_They haven't even ordered yet, Louis was gone and Harry was going back home, alone._  

_"I'm sorry" it's been an hour since Harry got back home and Zayn had been hugging him for at least 30 minutes, "Do you want ice cream?"_  

_"You're such a shitty friend Zayn"_  

_The big smile Zayn had in his face faded away, "I met you eating ice cream."_  

_"We met during an anxious binging, how romantic"_  

_"You're beautiful Harry, I know you think the same about me and I know we won't believe it, but I want you to know it Harry. You're beautiful." They both fell asleep in the sofa that night._  

 

‡‡‡‡ 

 

"Let’s go" said Harry and grab Zayn's hand, they have knew each other for so long they didn't need to ask questions, it was good because Harry didn't wanted to talk. They walked near Mary-Anne so she could see them leaving through the back door where at least five paps were waiting as it was accorded, they left the club holding hands as they were supposed, next to all those pictures showing them "kissing" and the fact they lived together made these pictures the most expected by fashion-gossip fans. They were not together, but it worked as publicity, it used to piss Louis off. 

 

‡‡‡‡ 

 

_"Hi Louis", said Zayn while opening the door of the flat to Harry and him, he immediately walked to his room without waiting a response, Harry motioned Louis to come inside the house and showed him the way to the kitchen, "We have... water and some crackers I think," said Harry, leaving open some empty cabinets and opening the fridge, "there's cake here and lots green, they're probably Zayn's but I can give them to you."_  

 

_"So you DO live with him" it's one thing to try not believe what the papers say but other to see it for yourself_  

_"Is that a bad thing?"_  

_"If I say yes, would you leave him?" that was the moment Harry realized the power this boy had on him, they've been together for almost three months now and he wasn't ready to bring him home, but it was pouring rain and they were so close to their flat, it this would've been planned he would_ _had have his keys in his pockets, say to Zayn to stay in his room, fill the kitchen with food, he knew Louis suspected something, "I'm kidding Harry, there's nothing_ _wrong”_ _and Louis was smiling, but Harry knew how a fake smile looked like. "Do you have tea?"_  

 

‡‡‡‡ 

 

_“You’re not eating”_  

_Harry was good at this, playing with his food, he was out of practice thought, living with a guy that kept himself locked in his room and only going out when he was working made it easy to skip meals, Harry himself was busy working all the time and when not he was also sitting in his bed, reading or singing but both of them keep themselves occupied, they had to, to leave all his demons outside._  

_“I’m halfway done Louis”_  

_“I’ve been silenced for at l_ _e_ _as_ _t_ _half an hour, that’s hard babe. You are not eating.”_  

 

_He was papped last week getting out of Starbucks with Zayn, he would have wanted the appearance to be with Louis but that couldn’t happen, he couldn’t know.  While driving back home he and Zayn remained silence, it was always awkward to be around food and each other at the same, he could deal with only one at a time, he loved Zayn, when food wasn’t involved. Zayn had finished his drink the minute they got to the car but Harry’s strawberry Frappuccino was sweating in the car’s cup holder. “Maybe I could drink it for you if you don’t want it” he didn’t wanted him to drink it, even when he wasn’t going to be the one dealing with Zayn’s tantrum a few minutes later. “It’s okay you know? I’m getting okay” he wasn’t okay._  

 

_“Have you finished your_ _s_ _Louis?”_  

_“Hours ago babe, lemme clean everything, we’ll talk about it later.”_  

_There was no later for Harry, he wanted Louis to confront him, he had made what looked like a great spaghetti and he did tried to taste_ _it_ _but if he only knew, he would have skipped the apple he ate at noon. “I’m sorry Lou”_  

_“It’s ok.”_  

 

‡‡‡‡ 

 

A car was already waiting outside the club and Zayn opened the door for Harry, he moved quickly to let Zayn go in after him. Zayn said his address to the driver when he asked where to go first but Harry interrupted, “My house is closer Zayn” 

“I thought maybe I could make you something for dinner” Harry looked at him directly into his eyes, he felt them watering, took a quick look at the boy sitting next to him and suddenly realized how much Zayn had changed, he said his address to the driver. 

 

_It was at least three a.m. when Harry decided to call Louis._  

_“Err, Harry?”_  

_“I’m at the hospital,” probably not the best hello, “Zayn...”_  

_“Text me the address, I’m coming”_  

_It happened so quickly and_ _in_ _that moment Harry realized they were not playing around, Zayn had a huge binging that afternoon, kind of an anxiety attack, it happened once in a while and Harry choose to stay away from it, he closed his room an_ _d put some earphones_ _to let it pass, as always, be there for him_ _after_ _, stroking his head when he’d be crying himself to sleep._  

_When_ _Harry came out of his room it was too late,_ _he rushed to the open_ _ed_ _bathroom when he saw the door open, the light on and no response from Zayn. He wouldn’t have_ _known_ _what to do if the ambulance would have turn off the sirens on the way to the hospital._  

 

_"What happened Harry?" by the time Louis got there Harry has barely spoke to anyone, nothing more than saying Zayn's basic information and he was told to just wait._  

_"He was eating and I..." Harry was shivering, he forgot to grab a coat and did_ _n't knew where to hide his body_ _even when everyone seemed to be on their own business. "I left him alone, I could have..."_  

_"It's ok Harry, everything's going to be fine. Have someone said something to you_ _?_ _"_  

_"No, they just took him in, told me to wait."_  

 

_After sleeping on Louis lap Harry was able to enter Zayn's room in the morning, he was sleeping and stable. Louis got in some min_ _utes later with a croissant_ _and two cups of tea._  

_"I thought you might need to drink something warm." Harry smiled at him and grabbed the cup that Louis offered him, "Y_ _ou can grab a piece of bread_ _if you want to."_  

_A doctor walked in and asked if they were family with the patient, "I'm his boyfriend" said Harry quickly to him, "He's an orphan so.." when the doctor started to talk to him Louis went out the door, Harry found him later in the waiting room, "He's going to be here for a few days before they take him to the psychiatric wing, if he let them of course."_  

_"Why did you called me?"_  

_"I didn't know who to call, I don't have many friends, real ones at least."_  

_"I meant what I said a month ago Harry, I love you."_  

_"He's not my real boyfriend Lou, I didn't knew what else to say."_  

_"I know that I just, I can't be friends with you Harry Styles. Please don't call."_  

 

‡‡‡‡ 

 

It's been a few months since Zayn and Harry stopped living together, the media still picture them as the perfect couple but it was true they were not, never been and never will. When he came back from the hospital they both knew everything had changed, their friendship remained hard as stone but it was time for them to be apart from each other. They stopped being the same. 

 

‡‡‡‡ 

 

_"You need to eat you know?"_  

 

_I think it's sad how we are strong for the people we care about even when we're not strong enough to take care of ourselves, for example, when Harry supported Zayn's decision of staying the necessary weeks at the hospital, when Harry talk_ _ed_ _to the paps about the importance Zayn's health so they could publish it in their magazines, how Harry lied to everyone so no one knew that Zayn was at the hospital because he liked to threw up his meals after eating them. Harry would never think of this acts as being strong, he thought he was weak, he_ _was happy that Zayn was the one who_ _got sick instead of him because he wouldn't have done it, he wouldn't had stayed._  

 

_"I'm sure there will be food at the photoshoot today"_  

_"No,_ _I mean it, I've getting fatter_ _I know that and I hate it but I feel stronger and I want to do things? Sally, my therapist, says that's good."_  

_"I'm glad Zayn, I really_ _am._ _"_  

_"I want to be out there, be with you_ _._ _"_  

_Zayn got used to being Harry's boyfriend so he could get the visitations and Harry didn't had the courage to told him not to, it wasn't real, no matter how much Zayn would hav_ _e want it to. Nothing seemed_ _real anymore._  

 

‡‡‡‡ 

 

"Good night Zayn, I had a good time" as soon as Harry opened his building door he could hear the car going farther away, he climbed the stairs and opened his flat door in the first floor, he had gotten used to the big spaces, the moon light illuminating his whole living room was the reason he choose to live here, the flat was filled with his stuff, not Zayn's couch, not Zayn's TV and videogame consoles, not Zayn's dark walls and Zayn's dark clothes, not Zayn's food; it was all his, everything in here breathed Harry Styles, his boot collection and a rack of colour coded clothes, his juice station and his favourite fruits, his concert posters framed in big black frames, his dark brown suede living room, it was all his. 

 

‡‡‡‡ 

 

_Harry put s_ _ome clothes in a bag and took a cab to the hospital for one last time, on the way back Zayn made him confess about the party and promised to act surprise_ _d_ _, he kissed him on the cheek before whispering “thank you”._  

_With the help of some of Zayn’s friends he organized a little party in their flat, his favourite French pastries and some bottles of white wine were sitting at a table and people were waiting for them to arrive, “You did the banner” whispered Zayn to his ear while holding his hand really hard, Harry removed it when everyone got close to welcome him home._  

 

_Some R &B music was playing in the background and people had scattered through the living room talking, drinking wine, taking selfies; Harry smiled as soon as Zayn took his hand, “Are you getting drunk tonight Styles?”, he was eating an éclair._ 

 

_They met two weeks after Zayn arrived at London and it took Harry a s_ _econd to realize he was special_ _so he offered his flat when he heard the boy was looking for a place to stay_ _. They had this game where they would recite every ingredient in the things they ate, this was when Harry got obsessed with organic food and refused to eat anything that wasn’t a plant, anything with more than 5 five ingredients or anything with impossible names._  

 

_Right know he wanted to tell Zayn what was in_ _his éclair because it made him think of_ _Zayn devouring a bar of butter, then some flour, cream, cocoa, more sugar, water; it make him sick._  

_“I’m not getting drunk tonight, no.”_  

_“That’s great because I’m not supposed to abuse alcohol”_  

 

_When people were gone and Harry had tucked himself to sleep Zayn opened his door, “Can I sleep with you tonight? My room has a lot of memories.” Harry moved and motioned Zayn to come inside the bed_ _, when he got in they were both looking at each other, Harry couldn’t help to touch his cheek, just to see if he was real_ _,_ _this made Zayn come closer and kiss him on the mouth, Harry could feel Zayn’s hand inside his shirt_ _and going to his back_ _, stroking lightly his column bones abo_ _ve his skin;_ _when they separated Zayn turn his back to Harry, he said “I love you H.” before they both fell asleep._  

 

_Next morning Zayn woke up before Harry and the whole house smelt like bacon, he didn’t asked Harry if he wanted to eat breakfast but there was two plates on the table, “We shouldn’t live together anymore.” Zayn laughed a little, but Harry’s face made him realized he wasn’_ _t joking._  

_“I noticed the boxes in your room, but why?”_  

_“I just, don’t think is appropriate to mix business and friendship”_  

_“And our relationship is business, great.”_  

_“I’m_ _sorry Zayn, last night…”_  

_“…Shouldn’t have happened?”_  

_Harry was looking at the floor, he was afraid a week ago when he started packing and he was afraid now that he knew it was really happening. “I’m sorry.”_  

_“Don’t be ok? I’m the stupid one.”_  

_“You’re not stupid” He felt his eyes watering but he was not going to cry._  

 

‡‡‡‡ 

 

Harry could feel the bed getting bigger as the days went by, from his position he could see the entirety of his vanity, filled with products he had bought and some others people and sponsors gave to him, his room aesthetic reminded him of a furniture store where they have perfect rooms displayed all the time.  

 

‡‡‡‡ 

 

_“Sorry I wasn’t looking,_ _oh_ _, you’re Harry Styles”_  

_“Yes” the blue eyed boy smiled at him and Harry could swear he was looking at the sun._  

_“Happy Birthday”_  

_“Did I invited you?”_  

_“Nope, sorry I came with Liam, Liam Payne, you know him?”_  

_The place was crowded, Niall’s doing,_ _he wanted a big party to celebrate a big new contract but the deal was secret so he used Harry’_ _s birthday as an excuse._  

_Harry went for a drink for both of them and they shared an armchair, Harry could hear him talking about his home town, his little sister and how his mom called him every night at first. Harry was listening but was paying more attention to the he played with Harry’s fingers, his knuckles and his wrist, as if he wanted to memorize the shape of his hand, Harry intertwined his leg between the boy’s ones._  

_“_ _So h_ _ow do you know Liam?”_ _Harry interrupted._  

_“We worked together in a vogue photoshoot two months ago”_  

_“So you’re_ _really_ _a model.”_ _Harry sounded a bit disappointed, not on purpose._  

_“You are one too you know?” the boy got closer and intertwined his fingers with Harry’s “You wanna get out of here? You look bored, no one should be bored in their birthday”_  

_“Ok.”_  

_After walking a few blocks_ _and non-stop talking about their love for professional makeup and hot beverages Harry stopped when his companion did, “I live just around the corner.”_  

_“I didn’t knew we were going to your place.”_  

_“We_ _aren’t if you don’t want to._ _”_  

 

_The_ _flat was bigger than his and Zayn’s but it seemed smaller by the q_ _uantity of stuff he owned,_ _marvel and DC action figures of many sizes, statues, vinyl records and all sort of collectables filled the living room,_ _before Harry could have commented on it he grabbed hi_ _s hand_ _and showed him the way to the bedroom, as soon as they got there he closed the door and grabbed his shirt to pull him closer, kissing him slowly,  “I’ve been wanting to do this since I saw you standing on Niall’s living room”._  

_“Me too”._ _They were looking to each other eyes, his hands were on Harry´s waist and Harry’s were pl_ _aying with the hem of his jeans, “What do you want Harry?”_  

_“You.”_  

_“You don’t even know my name”_  

_Harry said “Louis Tomlinson” before kissing him again._  

 

‡‡‡‡ 

 

The incessant buzz of his phone woke Harry up next morning. He took a quick shower, grabbed some black skinny jeans and a pink silk blouse, by the time he was ready the ring bell on his door was already ringing. 

“I brought some tea, and a pair of English muffins.” Harry smiled at Louis, who looked gorgeous as always. Harry was probably making a weird a face because as Louis walked in he added:  “It’s just a start, you don’t have to eat it all.” 

“No, I will. Thanks Lou, let’s sit down.” 

After they finished eating Louis offered to clean the dishes while Harry walked to his room and grabbed a small travel bag. When he got back Louis was already waiting him by the door, “Are you ready babe?” 

“You’re not leaving me are you?” 

“Never.” 

“Then yes.” 


	3. Epilogue: what happened in the private room.

Harry walked to Louis arms and Kiss him slowly, as they did at the beginning. “I want you back too Louis, and you’re right and I’m sorry” 

They continued to kiss and started to roam each other’s bodies with their hands, trying to remember again the sensation of their skin. Louis separated from Harry’s mouth to say I love you, Harry was about to continue when Louis stopped him, “We need to talk Harry” 

Harry sat in a red sofa that was in the back of the room and stared expectantly at Louis, “I know you’re not leaving with Zayn anymore, and I know you’re getting worse and I can see you like that” Louis sat next to him, both of them looked at each other and Louis grabbed Harry’s hands, “I can’t be with you like this, I can’t stand it, You need to go to a Hospital Harry.” 

The thought of getting into a Hospital terrified Harry, he started to think about his career and how it will ruin it if anyone found out, he thought of his body changing and remembered the way Zayn got fatter and fatter every day, he couldn’t do that, the idea of lying to appear sane scared him and the thought of people watching him eat made him sick. 

“I’ll be there for you, I’ll be there on the good days and I will kiss you and tell you how proud I am and I won’t be lying, I’ll worship your body and on the bad days I’ll be there too and I’ll let you cry and I’ll try to understand, I’ll be there every day. I’ll be there with you, you will not do it alone. If you let me” 

Maybe this was what Harry’s mum was trying to say to him that night, that he could be strong if he wanted it, he wasn’t happy with the idea, but maybe, if he could try it everything could work out for once. Maybe this time someone would stay. 

“I’ll do it.” 

“For you, Harry, tell me you’ll do it for you” 

“Yes, for me.” 


End file.
